1. Locate a dictionary. Open the dictionary. Flip the pages to the word “leave”. Follow instructions carefully.
2. Enter a room and sit comfortably. Raise your hands in front of your face, palms up facing inwards. Cover both eyes fully. No peeking. When you hear your lover enter the room, maintain this posture and refrain from replying to your lover’s queries. You may sing a lullaby to yourself, provided you are familiar with one. If no lullaby comes to mind, you may sing the looping lyrics of your current earworm. In the unlikely scenario that no earworm is available, hum tirelessly and tunelessly. When your lover leaves the room, you have left your lover.
3. Lead your lover to a maze of thorns. Thorns optional; maze mandatory. A hedge maze will do. Other types are also available. Accompany your lover to the heart of the maze. You will know you are at the heart of the maze because there will be a fountain with a sculpture of three dolphins smiling sinisterly. If there is no such fountain, the maze is fake. Exit immediately. When you are at the heart of a real maze, sit at the fountain and reminisce about the good times. If no good times have been experienced, converse about the weather instead. When you are certain that your lover has been lured into a false sense of comfort, pretend to receive a phone call from an old friend requesting immediate assistance. Whether or not you have friends is a moot point: you are pretending. Leave the maze before your lover has had a chance to protest, abandoning them to a short life of pitiful perambulations.
4. Join the circus. Become a lion tamer. Die in a tragic preventable accident involving your favourite lion, Scrabby Tabby.
5. Join the army. Make sure that you are stationed at the farthest point from your lover. If that farthest point is Australia, adopt a quokka, known as the world’s happiest animal because it always looks like it’s smiling. If the farthest point is anywhere else, your choice of pet is up to you. Allow enough time to elapse for you to turn into a fuzzy afterthought for your lover. Never return.
6. Challenge your lover to a duel. You may determine the exact nature of the engagement, from wordplay to swordplay to pistols at dawn. Rob your lover of their dignity with a series of showy standoffs until they depart in a blind rage. Alternatively, if you lack the skills to do so, allow your lover to humiliate you instead until they’ve lost all interest in you as a sexual being. In any case, do not kill your lover. We do not advocate murder here. Death by accident, abandonment or neglect is fine (see other entries).
7. Promise your lover the stars and moon on a plate. The general unfeasibility of your goal will inevitably lead to relationship-dissolving disappointment.
8. Promise your lover the world. The abstract and nebulous nature of your deliverables will inevitably lead to relationship-dissolving disappointment.
9. Sing-shout at your lover that you will show them a new, fantastic point of view and jump on a carpet. This must be a normal carpet. Under no circumstances should the carpet possess the quality of levitation. When the carpet remains static, admit defeat and dance away.
10. Convince your lover to sit opposite you on a seesaw in joyful recollection of your childhood. Laugh merrily as you ascend and descend a few times until you build the momentum needed to launch your lover into the stratosphere. This works, trust us. They’ll be fine up there; just a little lonely.
11. Convince your lover to join you on a roundabout in joyful recollection of your childhood. Spin frantically until the roundabout’s foundations are untethered, then jump off as it flies into the exosphere taking your lover with it. As with the previous entry, this method has been rigorously tested. The lover’s safety, however, is not guaranteed. Out of sight, out of mind.
12. Replace yourself with a human-shaped bundle of stale baguettes.
13. Replace yourself with an astronaut’s suit filled with fresh manure.
14. Replace yourself with a full-length mirror that has a smile and come-hither eyes drawn on it with a purple shade of lipstick.
15. Take a walk in the park with your lover during the height of the pastel-coloured phantasmagoria of autumn, when leaves crunch underfoot and the scent of cinnamon tickles your nostrils. Find the strongest gust of wind and act powerless against it as it carries you far from your puzzled lover. If your lover somehow traces your whereabouts, bide your time until the following autumn and repeat.
16. Demand of your lover with a glint in your eye: “So where do you think they filmed the moon landings?”
17. Take your lover to a magic show and volunteer when the magician calls for a fabulous assistant. Should a fabulous assistant already be present, first find a way to remove them from the premises then take full advantage of the renewed demand for fabulous assistants. When the magician contrives to saw you in half, scream as if you have been truly damaged until a team of paramedics are called upon to collect you. Once in the emergency department, become a doctor and spend your life in service to others.
18. During a shared meal with your lover, noisily eat an apple or slurp some soup. Repeat this step for up to five years. Misophonia is very common. If your lover remains somehow unperturbed by your repulsive eating habits, throw your food at them as a distraction and duck under the table. They will soon stop looking for you.
19. Maintain steady eye contact with your lover and proclaim in the most earnest tone you can muster: “Barbara, I am leaving you and I am taking the air fryer, the dishwasher, and the kids.” Walk out the door. Don’t concern yourself with your lover’s actual name or how closely your proclamation reflects your general circumstances. The important part is to be earnest.
20. Run! Don’t look behind you. Keep running. Are you wheezing like a busted bagpipe already? How can you be so out of shape? Don’t stop, faster! I said don’t look! Any minute now, keep at it. Well done. Your lover has given up.
21. Hide! That closet looks inviting, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s filled with old clothes and there’s no space for you. Don’t be silly, stop opening those drawers. How would you fit in there? What about under the bed? Yes, I know it’s extremely dusty. See, now you remember that cleanliness is next to godliness. More importantly for our present purposes, cleanliness is also next to hideliness. Do not argue: if godliness is a word, then so is hideliness. Find a vacuum cleaner. Vacuum the dust. Your lover will be back soon; I can hear their footsteps on your street. The floor’s clean, crawl on your belly, go. They’re at the front door. Hold your breath. Cover your mouth with your hands if you must. They are coming up the stairs. They are inside the room, pacing impatiently. They are standing so close to you that you can see the scuff marks on their shoes. This moment feels like it will stretch forever until they’re finally gone. Breathe a long and well-earned sigh of relief. Your lover is not coming back.
22. Should you find yourself alone and lost in whispering woods with nothing but a feeble torch to light your way, congratulations! You have left your lover.
23. Explain to your lover that love is a fickle concept lacking coherence and clarity, that the self is an illusion, that free will is a bedtime story, and that there is nothing but a random assortment of particles colliding in unpredictable and inscrutable patterns. Observe the dawning realisation collapse your lover’s features into a grim mask of abject agony. Mirror your lover’s expression as you both fall to your knees, tear at your faces and wail at the careless cosmic chaos. Make a plan to have coffee next Tuesday and never follow through.
24. Just leave your lover. How hard can it be?
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