Subject: Enlightenment Elixir
To Whom It May Concern,
Serious question for you all: how long should I wait until it all goes down? I have followed the instructions in the included manual and it’s been three weeks. According to the guidelines enlightenment occurs two weeks max after the initial intake. I realise that this is a new and experimental product but my father has relied on you for years and I’m sure you wouldn’t risk letting him down with a substandard product. We have invested a significant sum in your research and I am growing impatient. My start-ups are not going to start themselves. I have been racking my brains and I’m still short on good ideas. I need good ideas. I needed good ideas last week. I have to come out from my father’s shadow. My education cost a lot of money and it was a total waste of time and effort. I don’t care about Latin, Socrates or the anthropic principle. I want to think up new things. Fresh. People care about fresh these days. Authenticity and freshness. I want to be deep and profound and game-changing and this is taking too long. I wanted to blow your minds with my prose but this is already a disappointing email. Please tell me how I know that enlightenment has occurred. If there’s one thing I hate more than uncertainty, it’s waiting. I deserve this. I will bring change. Please answer soon.
Yours faithfully,
Melon Husk
Dear Mr Addici,
Our apologies for the inconvenience. As you have stated, our product is still in its trial phase and we cannot guarantee a lack of deviation from our current estimates. I trust that you have taken note of the extensive disclaimer included with our instructions? I also hope that you have carefully considered the potential side-effects. If I may be so bold, we have already expressed our doubts to your father regarding your premature adoption of our product. He was adamant and assured us that we shall bear no liability for the outcome.
Regarding the rest of your concerns, I am unsure as to why you have deemed fit to express these to us as they do not fall under our purview. Your father is a long-standing and cherished donor which is why I have endeavoured to offer a prompt and personal reply. I can only advocate patience and humility. I appreciate that it must be hard to be part of a family whose influence is as wide-reaching as yours. However, please do not disregard the advantages conferred by your position. May I also suggest you contact your therapist? I am sure that they will be more than happy to examine your feelings on your current status and to assist you with your development.
Yours sincerely,
Melissa Fulstrope
Hi Melissa,
It’s been exactly one month now since I’ve swallowed the vial of snot you call an elixir. I could have injected it into my eyeballs for all the good it’s done me. Look, I get that you’re busy but as you know I’ve already gone through an army of shrinks and I’m none the wiser. Speaking of wisdom: where is it? When do I feel wise? Am I supposed to wake up one day and feel like I know the secrets of the universe? When am I going to start using the 90% of my brain that is locked away? I want to impress people every time I open my mouth. I want people to want to fuck me for something other than my money. No one takes me seriously. My father looks down on me. You know that. You’ve been around the houses. Don’t think I don’t know there’s something going on between you two. My mother doesn’t care. She’s checked out. I don’t want to check out. I want to change the world. I want all of you to listen. No one listens.
Best,
Buff Jesus (Jeff Bezos, geddit?)
Dear Mr Addici,
You have inquired about the qualitative nature of the upshot of our product. I am afraid I cannot provide a definitive answer at this juncture as we are not yet in a position to account for the variability of the emotions and thoughts associated with the change. Please try to avoid unhelpful notions such as the concept that we only use 10% of our brain and that the shortcut to extraordinary cognitive prowess entails unlocking some nebulous hidden area in your cortex. Were we to pursue that path we would simply be traumatically increasing your cognitive load by trapping you in an iterative loop. If I may simplify a bit, the aim is to radically restructure your synaptic connections and to reinvigorate your neural plasticity in order to modulate the way you process information. Our hope is that our product will facilitate your capacity to arrive at novel conclusions in an increasingly expeditious manner. To state it in terms you may prefer, it will indeed help you think up new things all the time. As I have said before, patience is key. Your understanding is appreciated.
Yours sincerely,
Melissa Fulstrope
Hi Melissa,
The cogni-what now? Did you just throw a science thesaurus at me? Anyway, call me Lucio for fuck’s sake. You’ve been around enough times.
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt on this one. I’ll wait.
Best,
Lusty Lucifer xxx
Dear Lucio,
Please, there is no need for such silly sign-offs. You may of course address me as you see fit but I would much rather maintain a modicum of professionalism in our correspondence. I value my relationship with your father and I would not want him to assume we are becoming overly familiar.
Kind regards,
Melissa
Dear Smelly Melly,
I waited. As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, my line of self-recyclable pizza boxes did not exactly fly off the shelves. What the fuck? It’s been months. Why is nothing happening? I trusted you. I need ideas. I couldn’t even explain the first law of thermodynamics to Betty. How many laws are there anyway? Five? Come on, Melly. I want to make my own money, write books and gain respect. How do I write books? I tried it and my brain started doing somersaults. Boring somersaults. It was like stale pop corn of the mind. It’s happening right now. I can hardly bother finishing this email.
I’m lonely.
Best,
Lucio
Dear Lucio,
If you have difficulty focusing, have you tried meditating? There are many resources online that can assist you to take the first steps down that path. It might help you to re-examine your circumstances and stay grounded. I recommend starting from simple breathing exercises and proceeding from there.
Kind regards,
Melissa
Hey Mel,
Keep up, will you? Fulstrope wouldn’t suggest meditation. Lucio already said he’s seen like a million therapists.
Best,
Louie
Hey Louie,
Sorry. Shall we go again? Melissa will be on her A-game. The boss bitch of your dreams for your pathetic playboy. Let’s see if we can get you to stop thinking about your dad for a little while longer, shall we?
Best,
Mel
Dear Lucio,
I must say, I do not appreciate this new Smelly Melly moniker but there’s nothing I can do to stop you, can I? I am sorry to hear about your failed endeavour. Please be assured that loneliness is not one of our product’s verified side-effects. If it persists, please fill in the attached questionnaire so that we may update our records. I have also taken the liberty to send a new dose to your premises. Please make use of it within 24 hours. It is a more potent mix that has been developed in response to recent developments whose nature I am not in a position to divulge. I shall only state that our degree of confidence in the efficacy of our product is now higher by several degrees of magnitude.
Kind regards,
Melissa
Hi melodramatic and not even close to mellow Melissa,
What the hell. I’ll give it a shot.
Best,
Lucio
Hi Melissa,
Is a persistent itch part of the deal? It’s kept me up three nights in a row. I can’t even trace it to a single source. It’s like a phantom limb I’ve never had. A phantom body. My skin is burning and there’s no relief. I looked up my symptoms and all I’ve learned is that formication is a word that can be used to describe the sensation of a swarm of insects crawling inside one’s body. I prefer fornication. Help?
Lucio
Dear Sender,
Thank you for your email. I am currently on sick leave until further notice. If your message concerns our recent cancellation of the launch of the Sophia Serum, please note that we shall issue an official statement soon.
Kind regards,
Melissa Fulstrope
Dearest Melissa,
It has begun and it is glorious! I have composed a tremendous soliloquy in honour of my new-found erudition! Please see attached voice sample. The outer reaches of the cosmos are at my disposal! There is no more creeping crepuscular corrosion. The veil has been lifted and I see more clearly than ever. Novel connections are being formed as we speak. The shackles of stagnation have disintegrated into a blaze of brilliance. I see you, Melissa. I see the limits of your intellect and the self-imposed constraints on your empathy. I see my father. His shadow was long but my radiance has dispelled it once and for all. I shall come to define myself on my own terms for the first time in my life. External sources of validation are no longer pertinent. The positive and negative valence of my previous experiences has been converted into an unshakeable state of tranquillity. Where others hesitate, I transgress; where they languish, I transcend. I have combined logic and emotion into an unprecedented configuration that everyone will try and fail to imitate.
My pizza boxes are no longer self-recyclable. They are now self-replicating.
Yours enlightenedly,
Lux Aeterna
Dear Lucio,
I am glad to hear of the positive outcome of your trial. Your feedback is important to us. Please remain where you are. Our post-evaluation agents will be with you shortly.
Goodbye,
Melissa
Hey Mel,
Ha. Maybe I rushed the enlightenment bit. Anyway, we’re all wiser and happier now. Go forth and prosper etc. No more wallowing. Wallowing’s for wimps. Isn’t that what dad would say? It looks like he’s still around, if only in my head.
Thanks,
Louie
Hey Louie,
No way. That was grand. I’m sorry again about your dad, but I’m not going to cut him any slack for being dead. He’d better learn the value of silent encouragement if he’s going to stick around. You can wallow all you want. You have my permission. Call me anytime.
Love,
Mel
